George W. Bush + Pacific Marine National Monuments

The following is an email chain unearthed by the editorial staff of Sages. We recommend brushing up on some current events before diving in.

It is mostly imaginary.


From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: April 26, 2017 10:05 PM
Subject: You up?

Bill,

Buddy. Can’t sleep. Did you see what Trump did today? I could take the immigration ban and the other hullabaloo, but this has gone too far. Our national monuments???? Is nothing sacred anymore????

He is going to gut them, Bill…

Laura keeps telling me that nothing has been decided yet, but did you see the look on his face when he signed that Order? I sure did. His beady little eyes saying, “I’m going to take away your Pacific Marine Monuments, George. Your conservation legacy is dead. Ha. Ha. Ha. Also your painting is a disaster. Sad.

He is just the worst. No respect of the Antiquities Act.

They aired the whole ceremony on C-SPAN. He bellowed on for seven minutes about how bad the federal government manages public lands and how we need to open them up to resource development. ICYMI, his words, “Today, I am signing a new executive order to end another egregious abuse of federal power, and to give that power back to the states and to the people, where it belongs.”

Honoring Teddy Roosevelt my foot.

Pleeze help me, Bill. I’m low.

Love,
George

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
Date: April 27, 2017 2:37 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

You bet I’m up!

But you’ll have to forgive me, George. I’m about eight days deep into a juice and oat cleanse rn. Got me jacked up.

Trump is a clown. You know it. I know it. Somewhere sleeping peacefully on a red velvet cloud, Ronald Reagan knows it. But, yes, this HAS GONE TOO FAR! I’m hella pissed. Hillary made a pot roast for dinner and I could barely touch it.

Watched the whole thing live. Basically a bulls**t tornado. Like: “The previous administration used a 100-year-old law known as the Antiquities Act to unilaterally put millions of acres of land and water under strict federal control…eliminating the ability of the people who actually live in those states to decide how best to use that land.” What an a**hat…

You and I both know that isn’t how it works. Engaging with communities is core to the creation of a national monument. Do you know the lengths Barack went to in getting locals involved with the Bears Ears designation? Like a crap-ton!!!

Dude has me trippin.

And I’m DONE with this whole “Why don’t we let the states decide what to do with their land?” IT’S NOT THEIR LAND GENIUS. This IS federal land, WAS federal land, and HAS ALWAYS BEEN federal land ever since we stole it from the Indian. THE STATES NEVER OWNED THIS LAND. IT BELONGS TO EVERY AMERICAN AND THEREFORE SHOULD BE MANAGED FOR AND BY THE NATION.

LIKE WATCH SOME KEN BURNS JERKFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you know all this George. I’m just whiling on papaya nectar and Stegner rn. Reading his Sound of Mountain Water this week. SO GOOD! I’ll mail you my copy once I’m done.

My best to Laura.

Bill

Sent from iPad

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: April 27, 2017 3:19 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

Thanks for the support bud. Did a cool 90k on the bike this morning (check out my new wheels!!!). That helped. Laura also made me an Alanis mixtape that really took the edge off. Threw a little Sugar Ray in there too. Are they still touring? WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO!!!

I digress…I just miss the good ole days. When I designated Papahānaumokuākea, Pacific Remote Islands, Rose Atoll, and the other Pacific Marine Monuments, I felt like there was still hope for bipartisanship in the environmental sector. But I just don’t know anymore. If we can’t find common ground on our public lands, where can we? Aren’t they our literal common grounds? What about our oceans? Can we save them in a Trump era? What about Killer Whales, Bill, are they going next? Or salmon, Bill, THE SALMON??? Did you know eels all come from the same unknown corner of the Pacific Ocean?

All I wanted was to save that big ole ocean Bill. That’s it.

George

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
Date: May 8, 2017 11:23 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

Sorry for the delay, pal. It’s been crazy around here. I got Hillary an Amazon Prime Video subscription, so it has pretty much been a non-stop documentary sess in our living room for the past week. Bless Ken Burns and his mastery of the photo zoom.

I know what you mean though. I’m worried my brain child—Grand Staircase-Escalante NM—is about to crash and burn. Too bad. People seem to love it. You know the night before I designated that puppy, Babs and I sat up all night in the El Tovar on the rim of the Grand Canyon with a bunch of trail maps and whiskey sours. We planned out a dream backpacking trip in the red rock. Now I wonder if we will ever be able to take that trip at all…

Saw in HCN this morning that Zinke is visiting Bears Ears today. Sounds like he isn’t even listening to the people. Just a few ranchers and politicians. In these trying times I find solace in the words of Muir. What a treasure. I’m seven books deep into his complete collection. Brilliant stuff.

To your question, George, I don’t know what will happen to the Orcas or the salmon or even the eels, but I DO KNOW that I can’t stand for this much longer.

Headed out for some much needed tai chi with bae.

Bill

Sent from iPad

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: May 8, 2017 2:57 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

Yeah, Zinke laid an egg in Bears Ears. I’m afraid it’s too late to save her. Such a shame. Even Laura has lost hope.

I’m with you though Bill, we have got to do something. I haven’t had a solid bowel movement in three weeks. Painting, biking, Mario Kart. Nothing takes the edge off anymore. If only there was a way to get the American people aware of this tyranny…

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: May 8, 2017 3:21 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

HOLD ON TO YOUR SAX BILL! GEORGIE HAS AN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SEE ATTACHMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

Flyermem

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: May 15, 2017 7:18 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

Earth to Bill. Memorial Day is WEEKS away!

P.S. Got the book. Stegner is brilliant. Shared it with Dad.

WRITE ME BACK…got to start planning. My vision is essentially to use the event to grow awareness to this national monument issue and rally support for the Antiquities Act by getting all of the former POTUS’s together for the ride/run. We get our peeps to write up stories about it. People read about the cause. They get involved. WE SAVE AMERICA!

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
Date: June 12, 2017 8:42 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

Sorry, this thread kind of slipped through the cracks. Hillary and I are REALLY getting into Eastern philosophy. Spent the last month trekking through Tibet. I think I’m finally becoming the man my mother always thought I could be.

Just saw Zinke announced he is going to recommend reducing the size of Bears Ears despite 99% of public comments being pro designation. What a bummer. I’m afraid OUR monuments are next.

But anyway, I guess Memorial Day has come and gone. I’m into the idea of a ride and run though. Maybe 4th of July?

Namaste,
Bill

Sent from iPad

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: June 12, 2017 10:01 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

Geez Bill! You had Laura and I worried. Glad you and Hil are safe and sound. Tibet sounds lovely. But I’M more concerned about what is happening here on our home turf! The marine monuments are going next.

I’ve modified the run/ride date, and cleared it with the grounds crew here at the ranch.

What are your thoughts on gift bags? Tech t-shirts or hats? Are koozies too cheap? idk

We need to get on this asap!

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

Flyer4th

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
Date: June 26, 2017 11:42 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

Damnit Bill! This is urgent now! https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/energy-environment/wp/2017/06/26/trumps-review-of-marine-monuments-and-sanctuaries-is-now-open-for-your-comments/?utm_term=.e8976412319d

I’ve surveyed the course, ordered the t-shirts, and invited Jimmy, Daddy, and Barack. Now can you make it on the 4th?

I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re not taking this very seriously! Let me know asap. My t-shirt guy needs answers…

George

P.S. My Secret Service detail got a package from you that appears to be sent from Mongolia. Should I open it?

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
Date: July 1, 2017 3:15 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

Left the yurt this morning and boarding a plane in Ulaanbaatar. Cut my falconry course a few days short!

I’ll be there dude!

Love ya,
Bill

(better tell your pops to save me some of Barbara’s gluten-free fig tarts. hahaha.)

Sent from iPad

From: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
To: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>
CC: George HW Bush <bigpapabush@earthlink.net>, Jimmy Carter <peacemaster39@cartercenter.org>, Barack Obama <michellesboo44@gmail.com>
Date: July 1, 2017 8:24 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

Hi All,

Bill is in!!!!! IT’S ALL SET!!!!! Meet at the ranch at 6:30 AM on the 4th. Laura is going to be making some bran muffins, so no need to eat breakfast before! The ride/run will start promptly at 7:30. A course is rolling, but the hills are manageable. If you’re running, trainers should be fine. Laura and I will get the pool ready for the after party!

The goal of the event is awareness for national monument preservation. So be sure to alert your publicists!

I’m so excited! It’ll be great to have the gang back together.  Barack, can we count on your famous potato salad to make an appearance?!?!?!

George

P.S. So far only Jimmy has asked to crash at our place. I’ve got him and Rosalynn in the guest bedroom, but we’ve still got a futon open!

“No sooner have you feasted on beauty with your eyes than your mind tells you that beauty is vain and beauty passes” ― Virginia Woolf

From: Jimmy Carter <peacemaster39@cartercenter.org>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
CC: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>, George HW Bush <bigpapabush@earthlink.net, Barack Obama <michellesboo44@gmail.com>
Date: July 2, 2017 5:53 AM
Subject: Re: You up?

I’m looking forward to it George! Rosalynn is bringing peach cobbler. Yummy! 🙂


Jimmy Carter

The views expressed in this correspondence do not necessarily reflect the views of the Carter Center and its overall mission.

From: Barack Obama <michellesboo44@gmail.com>
To: George Bush <mountainbikernchief@aol.com>
CC: Bill Clinton <joggerdaddy@hotmail.com>, George HW Bush <bigpapabush@earthlink.net>, Jimmy Carter <peacemaster39@cartercenter.org>
Date: July 4, 2017 11:35 PM
Subject: Re: You up?

Dear George,

I wanted to thank you for the event you put on today. I haven’t had that much fun in months! Running has never felt more freeing. Just finished writing up an Op-Ed piece for the NYT. It’ll print tomorrow.

I know we did all this for our national monuments, but I received something deeply therapeutic out of it as well (and I’m not just talking about your seven layer dip!!! Haha). There is something about being out in nature with friends that makes me feel whole somehow. Biking for hours on end through the Texas hill country, listening to wrens, and feeling the heat of the sun against my face has once again made me realize…maybe this is exactly why we need these monuments protected. They are the lungs of the nation—places to breath and refresh.

Not everyone has a ranch to retreat to, but we can all enjoy our national monuments. And I realize not everyone has a mountain bike and not everyone will be able to get to the remote islands in the Pacific that you protected, George. But deep down, we all need to know that those places are protected. Our national consciousness depends on it.

I admire the passion you all share. Our public lands need more friends like you.

Gosh I love you guys…

In solidarity,
Barack

P.S. Michelle says thanks for the friendship bracelet! She is humbled.


Barack_Obama_signature.svg

Who doesn’t know what I’m talking about
Who’s never left home, who’s never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone
-The Dixie Chicks
P20914-13.jpg
Historical rendering (compiled from Archives.gov, Andrew Kuhn/NPS, U.S. Air Force/Staff Sgt. Andrew Lee, World Economic Forum, Bob Tilden, and Commonwealth Club/Wikimedia Commons)

One Comment Add yours

  1. mike rice says:

    Much thought went into this piece.. great wit and humor! Makes some excellent points..

    Like

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